A fact about me : I'm saddest when it's dark out. Although I love the night, especially when it rains, the day makes me happiest.
I can't explain it without sounding corny, so I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.
xxx
At night, is when I get to thinking. Sometimes I think about things I should not be thinking about. Sometimes, I think about the things I should be thinking about. I think about the things that make me unhappy, of the things I regret most.
It's unsettling when I come across how I used to be and how I am today.
I used to be so determined.
Here's another fact, and you probably would never hear me say it.
I wish I wanted to be a doctor or an engineer.
When we're young, it's the first dreams we have. Because we're so exposed to that reality. It's what our parents want, so we naturally think we want it too.
Children are simple, they want to be doctors, lawyers, pilots. Simple straightforward dreams, and all you have to do is study really hard and work really hard to achieve it. It's the dream closest to a reality.
Eventually, we grow out of those, we find dreams in our hobbies.
Eventually, actor, singer, dancer, geologist, historian, prima ballerina. They all come into place. These are things that aren't so simple. These are things based not only on books, but on luck and talent. Despite that, you also have the possibility of failing. Or maybe even a low income. When we're young, we can say anything we want. Be anyone we want.
But there also will be that stage in life when you start to wonder "How far can I take myself with this?"
Your dreams fall apart when you start to feel that it wouldn't take you very far at all.
These are my parents dreams.
"Be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a financial adviser."
I said no.
"Marry one."
No point scoffing or asking why. We all know, every parents wants a stable future for their child. I guess my parents were never ones to believe that I would be able to create that stable future for myself. Even if they did, I guess stable isn't the word we're looking for. It's wealthy, privileged, rich.
I'd like that, to have money. But I'd like to do it by myself.
I would marry a doctor or an engineer, sure. If I loved him. If he made me happy.
I digress.
Basically, it's one of those times when I think.
I start to feel like I want all the wrong things. And yes, I wish I wanted the things my parents wanted me to want. I wish I had different dreams.
Because I'm afraid. Scared shitless I'll never be where I imagined myself to be.
And trust me, I've imagined great things. Great things that you probably could not imagine for yourself. I wished to be larger than life.
My brother told me once that in life, achievement comes in 3 forms.
Money, Career and Family.
A person can only achieve 2.
Funny how I always saw myself having all three and rocking them all.
I'm afraid to fail, that's whats keeping me from trying to fly.
That's why.
That's why today, I want different things. At least, I want to want different things.
I wish I had the passion to fight a winning argument.
I wish I had the drive to fix something.
I wish I had the brains to invent something new.
I wish I felt the ecstasy in wanting to save lives.
I wish I knew the language businessmen speak.
I wish I wanted all the right things, the things they tried to teach me to want.
It's really too late to try to want them now.
And I hope you don't make the same mistake.
If I could tell something to myself when I was 6, I'd say "Don't listen to Britney Spears, or watch Tina Fey. You're simply not like them at all."
I wouldn't say they ruined me.
In creating my dreams, I lost track of reality. Now when I remember to take reality into account, I wonder if the dreams I created were the right ones.
I can't explain it without sounding corny, so I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.
xxx
At night, is when I get to thinking. Sometimes I think about things I should not be thinking about. Sometimes, I think about the things I should be thinking about. I think about the things that make me unhappy, of the things I regret most.
It's unsettling when I come across how I used to be and how I am today.
I used to be so determined.
Here's another fact, and you probably would never hear me say it.
I wish I wanted to be a doctor or an engineer.
When we're young, it's the first dreams we have. Because we're so exposed to that reality. It's what our parents want, so we naturally think we want it too.
Children are simple, they want to be doctors, lawyers, pilots. Simple straightforward dreams, and all you have to do is study really hard and work really hard to achieve it. It's the dream closest to a reality.
Eventually, we grow out of those, we find dreams in our hobbies.
Eventually, actor, singer, dancer, geologist, historian, prima ballerina. They all come into place. These are things that aren't so simple. These are things based not only on books, but on luck and talent. Despite that, you also have the possibility of failing. Or maybe even a low income. When we're young, we can say anything we want. Be anyone we want.
But there also will be that stage in life when you start to wonder "How far can I take myself with this?"
Your dreams fall apart when you start to feel that it wouldn't take you very far at all.
These are my parents dreams.
"Be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a financial adviser."
I said no.
"Marry one."
No point scoffing or asking why. We all know, every parents wants a stable future for their child. I guess my parents were never ones to believe that I would be able to create that stable future for myself. Even if they did, I guess stable isn't the word we're looking for. It's wealthy, privileged, rich.
I'd like that, to have money. But I'd like to do it by myself.
I would marry a doctor or an engineer, sure. If I loved him. If he made me happy.
I digress.
Basically, it's one of those times when I think.
I start to feel like I want all the wrong things. And yes, I wish I wanted the things my parents wanted me to want. I wish I had different dreams.
Because I'm afraid. Scared shitless I'll never be where I imagined myself to be.
And trust me, I've imagined great things. Great things that you probably could not imagine for yourself. I wished to be larger than life.
My brother told me once that in life, achievement comes in 3 forms.
Money, Career and Family.
A person can only achieve 2.
Funny how I always saw myself having all three and rocking them all.
I'm afraid to fail, that's whats keeping me from trying to fly.
That's why.
That's why today, I want different things. At least, I want to want different things.
I wish I had the passion to fight a winning argument.
I wish I had the drive to fix something.
I wish I had the brains to invent something new.
I wish I felt the ecstasy in wanting to save lives.
I wish I knew the language businessmen speak.
I wish I wanted all the right things, the things they tried to teach me to want.
It's really too late to try to want them now.
And I hope you don't make the same mistake.
If I could tell something to myself when I was 6, I'd say "Don't listen to Britney Spears, or watch Tina Fey. You're simply not like them at all."
I wouldn't say they ruined me.
In creating my dreams, I lost track of reality. Now when I remember to take reality into account, I wonder if the dreams I created were the right ones.
xox, trish
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